HILARIOUS CONSEQUENCES

Tuesday, 26 February 2013

SOME THOUGHTS WHILE WAITING FOR SEASON 2 EPISODE 1 OF GIRLS TO ILLEGALLY DOWNLOAD

1. The Girl of your dreams is another persons unavoidable reality

2. Never smell the floor

3. If you’re not going to paint it you may as well eat the fruit in the bowl

4. A good way to look healthy without doing anything is to go and stand next to the lettuce in the supermarket

5. People who tell you what to do, don’t know what they are doing

6. One day historians will be confused by the idea of texting

7. Did anybody stick up or care for the birds who lost their jobs as carrier pigeons?

8. As time passes the words Human and Nature sound really weird next to each other

9. Freedom of choice is more often debilitating

10.Unicyclists should have their own lane

11.Laughing hard is good exercise

12.Eating alone is an empty experience

13.Sitting on the top deck of a bus and looking out the window to be greeted by people sitting on the top deck of another bus is a weirdly vulnerable situation.

14.Aubergines are purple, that’s pretty cool

15.Time travelling is just meddling

16.The toilet paper business is a good one to push your children into, whatever happens that is one business that will always be in demand

17.Energy drinks are an excuse for people to be lazy for longer

18.Every dustbin tells a story

19.Apple really take the biscuit, they dominate the technological world and still have the cheek to take a bite out of every bodies logos

20.Some of this is probably good material someone will steal

21.Midnight Snack is the most important meal of the day

Wednesday, 20 February 2013

Some Notes I made On A Very Long Walk Home

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1. Ribena tastes best coming out of a straw

2. Being ridiculously enthusiastic around shop assistant’s is quite good fun.

3. The world doesn’t owe you anything

4. Tree’s don’t get enough good pr

5. In someone’s eyes you are always a child (mum)

6. Always be nice to your mum

7. Not saying what you think is not the same as being honest

8. Listening to music in supermarkets can be incredibly emotive

9. If you fart more than 40 times in a day you should see a Doctor

10.You can’t escape yourself

11.If someone asks “How are you?” say “Fine, how are you?”

12.Nightmares are the dreams that come true

13.Hippies are greedy

14.Drink lots of water

15.Always make more than enough cheese sauce

16.Don’t presume you’re not good enough

17.Drawing with blue pencil makes your work look at least 25% more professional

18.Take a complilent

19.You can’t do anything about the past

20.You can’t plan for the future

21.Look at what is in front of you

22.Losing is learning

23.McDonald’s is ok as part of a balanced diet

24.Facebook likes mean nothing

25.Facebook likes can mean everything

26.Macerator toilets can be dangerous

27.You really never know what is around the corner

28.Comedy is self defence for the passive aggressive

29.It’s really time to buy a Hoover

30.Cooper Black is the font equivalent of canned laughter

31.Canned laughter is good company

32.Always wait for the green man

33.Not a literal green man

34.Never hang up the phone

35.At the checkout ailse always leave loose vegetables till the end as it buys you time to bag up

36.Prog rock is played by middle class people who have too much time on their hands, and listened to by middle class people with too much time on their hands

37.95% of falling in love is bullshit

38. Work hard in our own corner of the world and you will find your place.

39.The good karma in helping people is helping people

40.Tumblr is confusing

41.Painting will never die

42.if you dream you are masturbating that can’t be good

43.don’t say everything you think

44.Forget #42

45.If there is a joke to make, make it, regardless of if people think you had a dream about masturbating, they will ultimately respect you.

46.I’m right about everything

47.I don’t actually do what I think

48.Do your best to look as stupid as possible

49.Lot’s of amazing writers end up killing themselves, which means the work is never enough, so why not become a bouncy castle operator

50.It’s all about the work

51.Not everything has to mean something

52.Reese’s Nutrageous is an amazing Chocolate bar

53.Imagine if everything was curved, things would be much safer

54.You should only be allowed to hold an umbrella if you’re over 6 ft 2

55.The Embarrasing Bodies adverts are really annoying and make me hate Channel 4. I don’t want to watch the shitty show and so I don’t want the gross things sprung up on me.

56.Soundcheck is so much worse than actually playing the gig.

57.Say yes to everything then work out how to do it.

58.Treat children and adults exactly the same

59.Don’t get in a car if a child is driving

60.Getting postcards is cool

61.Your children will stop holding your hand

62.That’s probably for the best

63.There is no possible way for a man to look good dancing in a nightclub

64.If you’re good at drinking it’s almost impossible to get drunk enough to dance, so you may as well do it sober and really concentrate on your limbs

65.There’s nothing more liberating than realising nobody gives a shit about what you’re doing

66.Don’t be too much of an open book, people want mystery and to find things out for themselves, a cellophane wrapped book is far more appealing.

67.Don’t keep 3-D glasses from the cinema

68.If you do use them as sunglasses in the summer, that would be pretty cool

69.V neck sweaters are a no

70.Always carry a pen

71.Don’t think so much

72.The best singing advice I got was “Don’t Sing”

73.Being in a band is 95% Bullshit

74.It’s always the other 5% that you need